stroke / death

yesterday was a defining day for me. the day started innocuously enough, i did my regular suboh prayers and reading the yassin and then just as i was about to set out for my morning walk, my bowels signalled it's intention to discharge, which to me was very encouraging as monday is my designated bowel discharge day and the discharge then proceeded smoothly . off i lumbered for the walk to the cafe and then factory, which again proceeded smoothly. a few minutes after sitting at the cafe, i had this apprehensive attack that perhaps this is as far as my recovery will go and that death should be contemplated and preparation for it should be in place. considering that there are still numerous worldly matters that are either not resolved or in place, my apprehension esclates. calling my mother normally would induce a calming effect as her unreserved love and soothing words are a potent soothener to me. it did but not long thereafter the apprehension returned and refused to go all day until i received a wonderful piece of good news from my very dearest youngest sister late in the afternoon.
Ever since the fasting month last year, i have always been grateful to allah that he has not taken me away during the stroke onset, like many others. my analysis was that the stroke was akin to a severe jolt to remind me to abandon my wayward ways and that my survival of the calamity was like giving me another chance to redeem my standing and that good things are in store should i recant. this thought has kept me going in the last 7 months. however, yesterday, the apprehension was quite intense, most intense in the last 7 months.normally, one wish that one's wife would be the source of comfort,regrettably for me, the relationship with my wife has reached an all-time low , that positive interreaction is now all too elusive,my mother, youngest sister and my second son now having substituted my wife as the source of comfort. my main desire now is that before leaving this world I would love to have in place all the requisite things that a father ought to have achieved, just so as to emulate what my late father achieved, namely that all the children are safely entrenched in decent modes of sustaining their worldly needs and safely /securely attain a comfort zone for the rest of their life, in short having gotten married and a home and thus set in place their palace on planet earth. this remains an outstanding feature in my case,of which i calculated yesterday that it would be another 9 years before it willall materialise. in that sense, i am not yet ready for death. we are all of course continually reminded that death is out of our hands, that is god's perogative, having brought us into this world, it's gods perogative to determine when we will depart. we are in no position to hasten or delay it. posting this this morning, i am suddenly aware that i am still alive, alhamdulillah. by evening yesterday i was reasonably calm, this i believe brought on by the very great news from my youngest sister with regards to my last property on this planet and then culminating in that magnificient great big hug from my youngest, the chestnut, and his soothing words, baba, i don't want you to go anytime soon. what a day!!!!